Job

I love my job. I love the people there and I like the work I do. It's far from art or real creativity like working on a really clever national ad might be, but there is at least a little satisfaction in turning on the TV and seeing something I made. But my job doesn't sustain me and my family financially. It never has on paper--It's our faith in God that has kept us alive and out of debt. I'm making more now than I ever have and it's at or under the established poverty level. In addition, I've had this gnawing feeling that I'm not doing what I'm capable of. Since I was a kid I have wanted to be a writer but I don't write. I got an English degree with the hope that knowledge would abolish my fears and motivate me. All it's done for me is make me a walking grammar guide, a "Strunk and White" for my co-workers and friends. Television doesn't satisfy me anymore. I'm not sure it ever has. The fact that I'm not really making a contribution creatively or getting the respect I would like would be nicely offset by a slightly better paycheck. But that's not happening. I wouldn't work anywhere else in television. The industry is full of puffed-up, self-important blowhards who think they are doing something earthshakingly important. 9/11 proved them false and a lot of them seemed to realize that for about a week, but they're back in their mode. The local station I work for is an exception. I couldn't ask for better co-workers. We've received comments from many astonished and envious people. We bought a new piece of equipment last year and the person who trained us couldn't believe the camaraderie we have. She's been involved with national projects like FX network's morning show and Tina Turner's concert and has been all over the country and she's never seen anything like it. That's what keeps me here. And that's what discourages me from looking elsewhere in the industry. I've worked at other stations and production houses and was miserable. This industry's so full of egos you can't breathe.
I just feel like I don't have a direction in my life. I don't have one thing that I'm passionate about. When I tell people I want to find another job they ask "What do you want to do?" and I stop breathing. I don't know what I want to do. I have all of these interests and hobbies, but none that I do exceptionally well.
This new baby has magnified and focused my terror. I could lose this job and where would I be? I have no direction.
On the other hand, I think I have a case for a raise. It's particularly difficult to ask for one right now because the station is feeling the bite of the downturn in the economy. But I feel like I deserve it--that they're getting me cheaper than they should. When I moved into the position I'm in now, that of editor/producer, it was at a lower rate than I wanted (and much lower than any offers from jobseekers) because I didn't have a whole lot of experience and I'm a terrible negotiator--absolutely horrid. Since then, I have gotten a fairly good jump in pay, but I feel I'm due another. My case? Since being hired on at the company I have gone to school and received a degree. I quickly adjusted to the role they moved me into, taking clients a week and a half after they threw me to the wolves with no training whatsoever on the equipment. In fact, I have proven my adaptability time and time again. Televison equipment, like computers, evolves rapidly and I have learned each new toy in record speed. I learned our latest aquisition, Pinnacle's FX Deko II, so quickly and thoroughly that I've been dubbed "Motion Master" and could probably train others on it. I do a variety of jobs: Shooting, editing, audio, directing, technical directing, c.g. operator, writing, and anything else that comes down the pike. This season, for instance, our first show with the U of U football coach is coming up, and the c.g. op, can't make it. So I've been asked to do it. It's not part of my job description but that's the case many times. I'm loyal to the company. I stay after hours almost everytime I'm needed. I feel I go over and above the call. But in that regard I'm only chastised for getting too much overtime. I guess if I were truly loyal I would do it for free.
Well, that's enough resume. I just need a plan.