Gas Bill

So I'm a guy, you know, and guys think farts are funny. Face it. We really think they're funny. But none of us can say why. But I have this friend who works with me who is the king. Crown and everything. I'm not one to complain because I'm right up there with him. In fact, we're both cameramen on a sports show and one of our favorite things to do is see if we can be so loud in the studio that either our hind ends make it on air, or we cause the on-air talent to crack up on tv. Neither has happened. This has been going on for years. What's different now is the fact that I'm constantly being interrupted mid sentence. I don't remember this happening quite so much before. What I hate most about it is he completely shatters the moment every time and there's no way to resume my point. So the other day when a few of us were at lunch and he did this several times right there in the restaurant, I resolved to do something about it. I wrote a letter to his wife. Now I knew that this would go over beautifully because he's constantly telling us stories about covered wagons (pulling the covers over her head and letting go) and interrupted games of pool when he clears out the entire room. So I knew she'd relate. Here's the letter I sent:

Dear M_____,

We here in the production department wanted to send you our condolences. We can imagine how awful it must be to live with someone whose butt is as loud and as smelly as your husband’s. We know what you’re going through because we live with it everyday here in the trenches. We know the agonies of trying to get a word in without being interrupted, our comments blasted into oblivion with such force and stench that we’ll never remember what we were talking about. We understand what it’s like having to vacate a public restaurant while apologizing to the other patrons and the wait staff, hoping they don’t think it was us.

Since we’ve lived under these circumstances for so long, it has occurred to a few of us you must have it far worse. You have to live with it in the same house. To think of what you must pay to repaint the walls every three weeks! And to have to replace so many curtains and bedspreads! And all those rides in the covered wagon! We just wanted you to know that you are our hero. You have been such a trooper through all of this. What a strong woman you must be to endure in those conditions without the possibility of hazard pay or even some kind of recognition. So we want to tell you we’re thinking of you and that if there’s anything we can do to lighten the “load” please let us know.

Sincerely,


The K___ Production Team.

I had a bunch of guys sign it and then dropped it in the mail.

The first thing he said to me when I saw him today was, "You ass!" It was the funniest thing ever. He said he wondered why she'd be getting a letter from the station. And then when she opened it and started screaming with laughter, he couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. Of course, we've all had a great laugh over it. What good times.